A South African scientist from Johannesburg's University has put the world of marine biology in a dither by claiming that dolphins are not even as smart as lab rats.

In a story from Reuters, Paul Manger claims big brains are the reason dolphins are perceived of as having intelligence, but that in this case size doesn't matter. It's all about glia and neurons.

"Dolphins have a super abundance of glia and very few neurons ... The dolphin's brain is not made for information processing, it is designed to counter the thermal challenges of being a mammal in water."

Whitey, a spokesman for the World Dolphin Federation, is furious at reports indicating that he is not nearly as smart as he seems to think he is.

"This Manger guy, he's a what? No, sorry for asking but I couldn't help but notice that his name wasn't Doctor Manger, that's all. I thought perhaps I had just missed the word doctor while I was mapping the ocean floor or frolicking or something."

"You want to talk glia, do you? Well, bring it on Mister Manger. I just happen to know that humans have a glia-neuron ratio of three to one. Ha. In your face! Maybe you need all that glia to counter the challenges of being a mammal stuck on land, where every other human wants to kick your ass. How do you like them apples, Mister Manger?"

"Oh man, why do we even have to hear this garbage? Nobody should be listening to this guy... I have it on good authority that he's taking kickbacks from Starkist."



2006, Mark Hoback