What the hell do they want?

I'm as guilty as anyone. When a filthy stingray murdered The Crocodile Hunter, I was willing to suck it up. It's not my problem, I told myself. It was a freak accident... or, or maybe it was something else, an attempt by this pizza-shaped creature to get a little more street cred by taking out the one man capable of kicking the asses of all creatures great and small.

But that didn't make any sense, did it? After all, the stingray is unique amongst monsters that dwell upon the earth in the fact that it has no ass. Perhaps... Well, the upshot was that I reluctantly accepted the testimony of the 'experts', and swallowed the lie of a 'freak accident'.

What a fool I was. For now these inhuman abominations are on the rampage, leaping from their watery lairs to attack our elderly citizens in the surface world. The details are as horrible as they are horrible.

The man, identified as James M. Bertakis, was enjoying the sunny afternoon with two family members when the fish emerged from the water. It slid across the bow of the boat and struck Bertakis, leaving a foot-long barb lodged in his chest, authorities said.

The Democrats were quick to capitalize on this all too typical tragedy as an 'October Surprise'. But should we be surprised by this aquatic eldercide? I say no. For far too long the liberals have been willing to coddle our demon denizens of the deep so that they may sup on their tangy Stingray Grenobloise and succulent Ikan Pari Bakar.

No more, I say, no more. Keep this in mind when you enter the voting booth this November. Who do you want in power while American lives hang in the balance? The party that wants to take the fight to the seafood where it lives before we have to fight it here on our own shores, or the party who believes that peaceful coexistence is it's own tasty reward. The decision is yours.

AP photo: A killer stingray flies through the azure skies above Miami



2006, Mark Hoback