Hwang Woo Suk Even Bigger Liar
Than Previously Suspected

"Have a seat, Mister Woo Suk."

"Okay, but just for moment. Very busy in laboratory, changing course of human history. New miracle on the way. Working on clone of Mahatma Gandhi."

"Well, yeah, that's kind of what I wanted to talk to you about."

"After Gandhi, straight ahead to John Ritter."

"Aw, jeez... Hwang, Hwang, Hwang... The jig is up, brother. You don't have any credibility left with this university. Your stem cells... Your frigging stem cells... You didn't make any fringing stem cells, did you?"

"Oh sure. Create eleven lines of human embryonic stem cells. All genetically matched to patients. Very great achievement. Very much acclaim."

"Bullshit, Hwang. They were all fake, man. You lied to us. We trusted you and you lied."

"Small lie, small lie. Only nine lines fake."

"Can it, Hwang. They're all phony. And just where did you get those eggs, anyhow."

"Ah, ah, Luanne and Ellen. Very excellent lab assistants. Cream of crop. Anything for science, you know."

"Is that a fact, Hwang? Then just why am I holding this report from the Dean that says he thinks these girls were coerced?"

"No coercion, no coercion, job opportunity only."

"Well, you can tell that to the judge. And you can pack up your test tubes and Benson burners, and get the hell on out of here as far as I'm concerned. You know, I'm beginning to believe that you probably didn't even clone Fluffy."

"No, no, Fluffy very real. Fluffy great accomplishment, world's first clone dog. Next I do Rin Tin Tin."

"Forget about it, Woo Suk. You've embarrassed the entire university is what you've done. I'm having security stand right beside you as you clean your desk out."

"No John Ritter?"

"No John Ritter, Hwang. We have to draw the line somewhere. You suck, Woo Suk. Heh. I've been wanting to say that for the past three years, and I finally got my chance."

 

2006, Mark Hoback