|Clinton Not Exposed As the
Didactic Peckerhead That We've Always Known He Really Is
Sunday morning started off decently enough, with me sitting in my favorite cane chair at the Green
Island Cafe, watching 'FOX News Sunday', where former Adulterer-in-Chief, Bill
'Thoroughly Despicable' Clinton, was the very special guest.
As you might imagine, my former colleague
Chris Wallace tore him a new asshole. I must be honest. Wallace was merciless, as the crybaby
former Presidential-Rapist fuzzy-wuzzy-fat-girl boy-toy proved
within minutes of his arrival that he could not survive the battering ram
that is FOX News. "Oh, I don't want to have to defend my record
on not catching Usama," our most embarrassing former-president whined, trying
desperately to hide his many failings behind a pathetic wall of
Yes, you might imagine that was the case, but
alas, it was not so. What happened? What accounted for Wallace's total
inability to strike sharply into the heart of darkness that is William
Jefferson Clinton with the mighty sword of bravado?
Sure, sure, a lot of the conservative talking
heads are trying to spin this sorry episode any way they can. The
TownHall Gang is all over the place, responding not with the power of
reason which is the hallmark of the Republican party, but with child-like
insults. No one has the balls to just call the man an arrogant cocksucker.
Brent Bozell has this to say. "It's easy to see from this display that
Clinton is a pampered peacock, a Prima-Dona who expects the media elite to
love him, and explodes like a spoiled child when anyone dares challenge
him." A pampered peacock. Oh my, Brent, feeling a little light in
those loafers these days?
Young Ben Shapiro notes "Then again, because
Clinton is such a tremendously good liar, it's tempting to say that this
wasn't an act at all. When Clinton lies, he generally tells lies that can
pass for the truth -- say, denying that he had sex with that woman..." Oh,
please, Virgin Ben, you're embarrassing me. Come back when you're ready to
deliver an ass-kicking. No one cares about your penis envy.
Pat Buchanan said "President
Bush does not have the constitutional authority to launch pre-emptive war.
Congress should remind him of that, and demand that he come to them to make
the case." What! What the hell was that, Pat? Somebody call up the
editor. That's not the sort of talk we cater to at TownHall, and you had nary a bad
word about Clinton.
Some of the pundits come off as pitiful. Rush
Limbaugh, for example, has launched an
all-out attack on Clinton's socks.
"We're talking about a former president. It's really bad form to wear socks
that are too short when you're sitting down and your slacks are a little
high on your calf up there, and you've got pasty white ankles and thighs,
don't even have a golf tan under there, it's distracting. Some people
actually thought Clinton was wearing white socks, in the e-mail, and I had
to write 'em back, "No, not socks. He was wearing black socks. They're just
Newt Gingrich is
leading with the plausible theory that the Clinton interview was
attack by Clinton to shore up Democratic support for the November
elections. Well sure, Newt, and that is why FOX needed to be ready to attack
back. Why was Bill Clinton allowed to speak at length, oft times
uninterrupted? Where was Hannity or O'Reilly when we needed their massive
mouthpower? I am coming for your job, Chris Wallace.
Mister Rupert, here's
how I would have handled the lout who would be king. Let's take it from the
point where he attacked FOX News, okay. Consider this my audition tape.
ME: Do you think you did
enough to Bin Laden?
CLINTON: No, because I didnít get him.
ME: Damn Right, you didn't. And look at the loss of life and treasure that
you've caused as a result, you loser.
CLINTON: But at least I tried.
CLINTON: Thatís the
difference in me and some, including all the right-wingers who are attacking
me now. They ridiculed me for trying. They had eight months to try. They did
not try. I tried.
ME: Eight months? You had
eight freaking years!
CLINTON: So I tried and failed. When I failed, I left a comprehensive
anti-terror strategy and the best guy in the country, Dick Clarke, who got
ME: Dick Clark? What is this,
Rockin' New Years Eve? Are we supposed to be doing the spotlight dance?
CLINTON: So you did Foxís bidding on this show. You did your nice little
conservative hit job on me. What I want to know isÖ
WALLACE: Well, wait a minute, sir.
ME: Shut up! Shut up!
CLINTON: No, wait. No, noÖ
WALLACE: I want to ask a question. You donít think thatís a
legitimate question?ME: I told you to shut up, A-hole. Answer my damn question.
CLINTON: It was a perfectly legitimate question, but I want to know how many
people in the Bush administration you asked this question of. I want to know
how many people in the Bush administration you asked, Why didnít you do
anything about the Cole? I want to know how many you asked, Why did you fire
ME: Oh, brother. Because he
had a good beat and you could dance on him.
CLINTON: I want to know how many people you askedÖ
WALLACE: We asked ó we askedÖ
ME: None of your beeswax, bozo. So, tell the truth, poopy-pants - Why do you
CLINTON: I donítÖ
WALLACE: Do you ever watch Fox News Sunday, sir?
ME: Don't you ever watch Fox News Sunday, scumbag? I think that we've
pretty well established your Americaphobia beyond a shadow of a doubt. Did you kill Kurt
Cobain? I know that nobody in the current administration would be afraid -
or is that ashamed - to answer a simple question like that.
CLINTON: I donít believe you asked them that.
WALLACE: We ask plenty of questions ofÖ
ME: I don't need to ask them that. It's as plain as the lying snout on your
face. So tell me this, was Monica the best piece of tail you ever got in
your sorry life? I thought she was a bit of a beast, myself.
CLINTON: You didnít ask that, did you? Tell the truth, Chris.
WALLACE: About the USS Cole?
ME: Damn right I asked that, but to be perfectly honest, I don't give a crap
what your answer is. I'm much more interested in this breaking news -
Hillary says that if she's elected president, there will be mandatory
abortion of all Caucasian boys in order to create a race of mud colored
CLINTON: Tell the truth, Chris.
WALLACE: With Iraq and Afghanistan, thereís plenty of stuff to ask.
ME: You're denying it, Pinocchio? Seems like there is no end to the things
you need to hide. Just before we went on the air, you told me that Hillary
wanted to ban both God and Twinkies.
CLINTON: Did you ever ask that? You set this meeting up because you were
going to get a lot of criticism from your viewers because Rupert Murdochís
supporting my work on climate change.
ME: Don't you dare even utter
the name of our glorious leader out loud, you flatulent freak. And pull your
damn socks up. Where do you shop, anyway? The Dollar Store?
CLINTON: And you came here under false pretenses and said that youíd spend
half the time talking about ó you said youíd spend half the time talking
about what we did out there to raise $7-billion-plus in three days from 215
different commitments. And you donít care.
WALLACE: But, President Clinton, if you look at the questions here,
youíll see half the questions are about that. I didnít think this was going
to set you off on such a tear.
ME: Aww, is the baby gonna cry? Come on, baby, let's see those tears. Wah
wah wah. I bet you feel my pain, don't you?
CLINTON: You launched it ó it set me off on a tear because you didnít
formulate it in an honest way and because you people ask me questions you
donít ask the other side.
WALLACE: Thatís not true. Sir, that is not true.
ME: You are pathetic, you know that? You are completely obsessed with your
own worthless legacy.
CLINTON: And Richard Clarke made it clear in his testimonyÖ
WALLACE: Would you like to talk about the Clinton Global Initiative?
ME: I'm not going to get back on the American Bandstand kick with you again.
What is it you want? You want to talk about that 'Clinton Initiative' of
CLINTON: No, I want to finish this now.
ME: In that case, get the fuck off of my show.
I guess it should be obvious about now just who should be
hosting FOX New Sunday, and it's not Chris 'Sissyboy' Wallace. When you play
with the big dogs - and Bill Clinton certainly qualifies as one of that
breed - it's important to know how to bark louder and bite harder that the
other canine. Sorry, Wallace, the only part you've got down right is
Mister Murdoch, I'm ready for my close-up