Sept 27, 2006 |


Sunday morning started off decently enough, with me sitting in my favorite  cane chair at the Green Island Cafe, watching 'FOX News Sunday', where former Adulterer-in-Chief, Bill 'Thoroughly Despicable' Clinton, was the very special guest.

As you might imagine, my former colleague Chris Wallace tore him a new asshole. I must be honest. Wallace was merciless, as the crybaby former Presidential-Rapist fuzzy-wuzzy-fat-girl boy-toy proved within minutes of his arrival that he could not survive the battering ram that is FOX News. "Oh, I don't want to have to defend my record on not catching Usama," our most embarrassing former-president whined, trying desperately to hide his many failings behind a pathetic wall of underachievement.

Yes, you might imagine that was the case, but alas, it was not so. What happened? What accounted for Wallace's total inability to strike sharply into the heart of darkness that is William Jefferson Clinton with the mighty sword of bravado?

Sure, sure, a lot of the conservative talking heads are trying to spin this sorry episode any way they can. The TownHall Gang is all over the place, responding not with the power of reason which is the hallmark of the Republican party, but with child-like insults. No one has the balls to just call the man an arrogant cocksucker.

Brent Bozell has this to say. "It's easy to see from this display that Clinton is a pampered peacock, a Prima-Dona who expects the media elite to love him, and explodes like a spoiled child when anyone dares challenge him." A pampered peacock. Oh my, Brent, feeling a little light in those loafers these days?

Young Ben Shapiro notes "Then again, because Clinton is such a tremendously good liar, it's tempting to say that this wasn't an act at all. When Clinton lies, he generally tells lies that can pass for the truth -- say, denying that he had sex with that woman..." Oh, please, Virgin Ben, you're embarrassing me. Come back when you're ready to deliver an ass-kicking. No one cares about your penis envy.

And Pat Buchanan said "President Bush does not have the constitutional authority to launch pre-emptive war. Congress should remind him of that, and demand that he come to them to make the case." What! What the hell was that, Pat? Somebody call up the editor. That's not the sort of talk we cater to at TownHall, and you had nary a bad word about Clinton.

Some of the pundits come off as pitiful. Rush Limbaugh, for example, has launched an all-out attack on Clinton's socks.

"We're talking about a former president. It's really bad form to wear socks that are too short when you're sitting down and your slacks are a little high on your calf up there, and you've got pasty white ankles and thighs, don't even have a golf tan under there, it's distracting. Some people actually thought Clinton was wearing white socks, in the e-mail, and I had to write 'em back, "No, not socks. He was wearing black socks. They're just too short."

Newt Gingrich is leading with the plausible theory that the Clinton interview was premeditated attack by Clinton to shore up Democratic support for the November elections. Well sure, Newt, and that is why FOX needed to be ready to attack back. Why was Bill Clinton allowed to speak at length, oft times uninterrupted? Where was Hannity or O'Reilly when we needed their massive mouthpower? I am coming for your job, Chris Wallace.

Mister Rupert, here's how I would have handled the lout who would be king. Let's take it from the point where he attacked FOX News, okay. Consider this my audition tape.

ME: Do you think you did enough to Bin Laden?

CLINTON: No, because I didn’t get him.

WALLACE: Right.

ME: Damn Right, you didn't. And look at the loss of life and treasure that you've caused as a result, you loser.

CLINTON: But at least I tried.

ME: Ha.

CLINTON: That’s the difference in me and some, including all the right-wingers who are attacking me now. They ridiculed me for trying. They had eight months to try. They did not try. I tried.

ME: Eight months? You had eight freaking years!

CLINTON: So I tried and failed. When I failed, I left a comprehensive anti-terror strategy and the best guy in the country, Dick Clarke, who got demoted.

ME: Dick Clark? What is this, Rockin' New Years Eve? Are we supposed to be doing the spotlight dance?

CLINTON: So you did Fox’s bidding on this show. You did your nice little conservative hit job on me. What I want to know is…

WALLACE: Well, wait a minute, sir.

ME: Shut up! Shut up!

CLINTON: No, wait. No, no…

WALLACE: I want to ask a question. You don’t think that’s a legitimate question?

ME: I told you to shut up, A-hole. Answer my damn question.

CLINTON: It was a perfectly legitimate question, but I want to know how many people in the Bush administration you asked this question of. I want to know how many people in the Bush administration you asked, Why didn’t you do anything about the Cole? I want to know how many you asked, Why did you fire Dick Clarke?

ME: Oh, brother. Because he had a good beat and you could dance on him.

CLINTON: I want to know how many people you asked…

WALLACE: We asked — we asked…

ME: None of your beeswax, bozo. So, tell the truth, poopy-pants - Why do you hate America?

CLINTON: I don’t…

WALLACE: Do you ever watch Fox News Sunday, sir?

ME: Don't you ever watch Fox News Sunday, scumbag? I think that we've pretty well established your Americaphobia beyond a shadow of a doubt. Did you kill Kurt Cobain? I know that nobody in the current administration would be afraid - or is that ashamed - to answer a simple question like that.

CLINTON: I don’t believe you asked them that.

WALLACE: We ask plenty of questions of…

ME: I don't need to ask them that. It's as plain as the lying snout on your face. So tell me this, was Monica the best piece of tail you ever got in your sorry life? I thought she was a bit of a beast, myself.

CLINTON: You didn’t ask that, did you? Tell the truth, Chris.

WALLACE: About the USS Cole?

ME: Damn right I asked that, but to be perfectly honest, I don't give a crap what your answer is. I'm much more interested in this breaking news - Hillary says that if she's elected president, there will be mandatory abortion of all Caucasian boys in order to create a race of mud colored people.

CLINTON: Tell the truth, Chris.

WALLACE: With Iraq and Afghanistan, there’s plenty of stuff to ask.

ME: You're denying it, Pinocchio? Seems like there is no end to the things you need to hide. Just before we went on the air, you told me that Hillary wanted to ban both God and Twinkies.

CLINTON: Did you ever ask that? You set this meeting up because you were going to get a lot of criticism from your viewers because Rupert Murdoch’s supporting my work on climate change.

ME: Don't you dare even utter the name of our glorious leader out loud, you flatulent freak. And pull your damn socks up. Where do you shop, anyway? The Dollar Store?

CLINTON: And you came here under false pretenses and said that you’d spend half the time talking about — you said you’d spend half the time talking about what we did out there to raise $7-billion-plus in three days from 215 different commitments. And you don’t care.

WALLACE: But, President Clinton, if you look at the questions here, you’ll see half the questions are about that. I didn’t think this was going to set you off on such a tear.

ME: Aww, is the baby gonna cry? Come on, baby, let's see those tears. Wah wah wah. I bet you feel my pain, don't you?

CLINTON: You launched it — it set me off on a tear because you didn’t formulate it in an honest way and because you people ask me questions you don’t ask the other side.

WALLACE: That’s not true. Sir, that is not true.

ME: You are pathetic, you know that? You are completely obsessed with your own worthless legacy.

CLINTON: And Richard Clarke made it clear in his testimony…

WALLACE: Would you like to talk about the Clinton Global Initiative?

ME: I'm not going to get back on the American Bandstand kick with you again. What is it you want? You want to talk about that 'Clinton Initiative' of yours?

CLINTON: No, I want to finish this now.

ME: In that case, get the fuck off of my show.
 

I guess it should be obvious about now just who should be hosting FOX New Sunday, and it's not Chris 'Sissyboy' Wallace. When you play with the big dogs - and Bill Clinton certainly qualifies as one of that breed - it's important to know how to bark louder and bite harder that the other canine. Sorry, Wallace, the only part you've got down right is sniffing.

Mister Murdoch, I'm ready for my close-up now.