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Gentlemen, thank you for showing up on such short notice. As you know, Iran has been doing a lot of chest pounding as of late, so in one sense what I'm going to show you represents nothing new. Still, I think you'll find that the latest rhetoric from Tehran to be some of their most belligerent remarks yet, and possibly of more significance than I'm currently giving it. Sergeant Ryan, start the video
...and a continued respectable openness as is required by the International Atomic...
Look at the size of the nose on old Mahmoud's face. I bet his lips never get to see the sun.
Oh my goodness, yes. It really is quite a honker, isn't it? Say, did you just pronounce Ahmadinejad's first name as 'Ma Mood'?
Yeah, 'Ma Mood'. That's how you say it.
Well, my stars. I've been sayin 'Mom Oud' all this time.
Ha. Don't do that, Donald. You're calling Ahmadinejad the son of a string instrument,
Heh, heh, heh. I guess I am. You know some of your Middle Eastern names just...
Gentlemen!
Sorry.
The United States has the power to cause harm and pain. But the United States is also susceptible to harm and pain. So if that is the path that the U.S. wishes to choose, let the ball roll.
What? What the hell did he just say?
He said 'Let the ball roll'.
And what the freaking hell is Reese Witherspoon doing here?
Don't get so upset, Dick, it's something the president worked out. Any of the top Oscar contenders that refrained from bad mouthing the administration during their acceptance speech were promised a seat at one secret meeting.
Oh, Christ! Does that mean I'm going to have to sit across from George Clooney?
No, Dick. It's just best actor, actress, and director. The potential pain was worse than the punishment for best picture. The president chooses his option wisely.
And speaking of which, where is wonder boy today?
He's down in New Orleans with the president. Karl always tries to keep the photo-ops under control. Listen!
Mekka Lekka Hi, Mekka Heiny Ho. Mekka Lekka Hi, Mekka Chonny Ho
What in blazes is going on. Did he just mention my name?
No, Silly. He said Chonny, not Cheney. That's Jambi's chant.
From Pee Wee's Playhouse.
You know, Pee Wee Herman? He had a TV show?
Don't trifle with us young lady. Everyone here knows who Pee Wee Herman is. But just who is this Jambi?
 
Jambi was the genie that lived in the playhouse. And if you repeated his chant, you would get a secret wish...
And his chant went how?
Mekka Lekka Hi, Mekka Heiny...
ARRRRRRRR!!!
Oh, my.
Good lord, girl, do you recognize the significance of the information you've just given us?
No.
You just heard Mahmoud Ahmadinejad pledge to cause the United States harm and pain, and then he...
He recited the secret Jambi chant. We all know what he wished for!
The mushroom cloud.
Oh my God. This is more suspenseful than I thought it would be. You can count me as one blonde who's glad she kept her mouth shut.
And we're going to have to ask you to do that once again, Ms Witherspoon. For the security of the country, you must not reveal anything you've heard here today.
You have handed us the smoking gun against Iran.
So, thanks. Here's a medal.
 

Now get the hell out. Showtime's over.


 

2006, Mark Hoback