19

 

 

I think everybody knows why we're here today...
Not me, Cheney-man. Haven't got a clue.
I'm afraid it's about you, Jambi.
In a bigger sense, Jambi, it's about national security.
The very future of this administration. Did you realize that in the two months since you took over the president's body, not only have our poll numbers not gone up, they've actually fallen by nine points?
Bad Genie! You're a worse president than my dad.
Hey, what's to worry? Who reads the polls, anyway?


We all do!

We haven't even gotten any wishes out of this yet.
Hey, don't look at me for wishes. See that blue guy over there - he's the Genie now.
You haven't taught me how, you sonofabitch!
Big time sonofabitch.
Jambi, we want to reason with you. We want you to switch places back with the president. You've had his body for a couple of months, and now we're urging you to return it. We can make it well worth your while.
I want my body back!
I'll bet you do, big guy, but here's a news flash for you - not gonna happen. I'm having way too much fun with it.
Perhaps I should explain something to you, Jambi. Now that you're flesh and blood, you can feel pain. You can feel excruciating pain, suffering greater than you could ever imagine. Don't believe for a second that we can't get you back under that Cone-of-Silence.
I know you can, chief, and I certainly do appreciate the sentiment. But let me just ask you something - How are you going to implement a mind meld? The big guy can't even grant a simple wish.
Grrrrrrrr...
Just a little something to think about. Hey, gotta go. I've got an early dinner with Heather McCartney to discuss land mines. Ciao!
Ooh, I hate that arrogant bastard! Just wait till he finds out she only has one leg.
Big talk coming from a guy who doesn't have any.
Hoo hoo hoo. I'm telling you, Dick. If you hadn't gone into politics, you could have had a great career in comedy.
Settle down, boys, we've got a real problem here. Jambi would seem to have us over a barrel. What on earth are we going to do?
Maybe we should ask Reese.
Good idea, Karl. Send her on in.
Hi.
later...
...so that's the way it stands, Reese. There's no earthly way that we can possibly return the president back to his rightful body unless he can start doing some serious magic.
Mmm... You all weren't too sympathetic when you went ahead and decided that you wanted the poor president replaced in the first place...
You go girl! You go girl!
Mea culpa! Mea culpa!
It's true. You brought in some crappy old Genie who could take over the president's body, and now you just want to come here and say 'bwagi poo sho, funquela voo feardes gar'. What nerve.
And what nerve it is of yours to come in here and say 'bwagi poo sho, funquela voo feardes gar' Ms. Witherspoon. But thank you for doing so. Those of us, such as you and I, who have reached the mythical heights of such noble planes as the tragic flight of the old '77, should never forget that our powerful words can oft times inspire powerful works, even if...
Shut the fuck up, Condi. Reese - do you know anyone who can help lead us away from this doomsday scenario? Your nation needs you now. Big time.
Vice President Cheney, Madame Secretary Rice, Donnie, and even you, O mighty Rovester, I must say these words unto you. Everyone named David is dead to me.
Yeah, Reese, Copperfield is a bare-assed baboon... and Blaine-Blaire, whatever the fuck his name is,  is lower than swamp fungus...
The great Houdini is dead, passed before my time. Penn and Teller are masters of illusion, and nothing more. Believe me when I tell you that there is only one man who I can think of who could possibly lead the nation out of the crisis which she now faces.
Focus, Reese, focus. You must name that man.
I see it now. The vision is clear. There is only one man who could possibly work us out of the dark condom that - excuse me... did I just say condom? I meant conundrum... No, I didn't. Oh god, Donnie, I didn't. It is not Freudian. Don't let the vision fade... It was conundrum that I meant to say, and I just got nervous when I said. condom... Conundrum. I feel faint...
It doesn't matter if you committed a faux pas, Reesie-poo... Oops, sorry, Ms. Witherspoon.... Reese... Ms. Witherspoon. Help us please... Won't you please help us, in the name of all that is holy...
There is one man... and his name is...

to be continued

 

2006, Mark Hoback