26

 

 

Previously, on Jambi...
...the President was able to grant his first wish, which transported Jambi off to parts unknown (Graceland), where he met an Elvis impersonator by the name of Pete, who then guided the willing Genie into the Jungle Room for jim beam and Coke.

Woo hah! Tony's snow, man. Feels like the back of my head just blew off!
Pardon me. I meant coke and Jim Beam. So anyway, their evil deeds are punished when an alert Graceland guard discovers them and turns them in to the Memphis police department.
You both under arrest. The King would role over in his friggin grave if he knew that somebody was doing drugs in the Jungle Room.
So much for the happy part of the story. I guess the thing that really depressed me the most about the last episode was the fact that George Bush, despite the colossal progress in his quest for Geeniehood, found his powers diminished after granting Jambi his wish to be anywhere away from his nemesis, Laura Bush.
I've used up my Genie juice!
Oh, and with Jambi and Bush both out of the picture, only Bush impersonator Steve Bridges is left to portray the part of president.

Don't you say anything substantive, Bridges. Your heading off to the G-8, and your sole job is to look like the president. Nothing more.
...and of course, the North Koreans are watching everything...
Ha ha... things do not go werr for the American reader. My spies have infirtrated his every rair. Perhaps you arr wirr agree with me that we now should view...

Tonight's Episode: Oh Shit

Turn on FOX, wouldya Dick? They're supposed to be showing the press conference from Germany about now. I sure hope Bridges can hold it together...

I gave him instructions to keep it generic, George. Just bland glad-handing talk... OK, here's FOX news...

...and, heh heh, I'm just glad to be here in merry old Germany, and uh, I'm looking forward to the feast you're going to have tonight. I understand I may have the honor of slicing the pig. It's a great honor, heh heh, and I guess, I'm just looking forward to that pig tonight... Heh...

Mister President, what sort of insights have you been able to gain as regards East Germany?

Well, uh, it's real nice... I still haven't seen that pig, heh heh... or as the German people call it, a wild boar. Pigs... you know you just can't beat the taste of roast pigs...
They are good... On another topic, I wonder if you would share your reaction to the Israeli bombing of the Beirut airport today? You've worked closely with Lebanon...
I... I thought you were gonna ask me about that pig...
Oh shit... Dick, don't you ever tell me again that I sound like a moron.
If we ever get out of this mess, George, you have my word on it. I promise to keep my thoughts to myself...
meanwhile...
Andy! Andy! I just heard back from the fingerprint lab... I've got some bad news and some worse news. Which do you want to hear first?
Well dang it, Barney, if I have to choose, I guess I'd just as soon go with the worse news.
Okay. Here goes. That Elvis we picked up at Graceland yesterday is really a guy named Pete Dungeon.
Not really the King.... Well, heck. I guess there's nothing wrong with holding on to a dream... Okay, Barney, now give me the not-as-bad news.
The other guy we picked up, the one that looked kinda like the President... Boys at the lab checked it twice and they say that really is George W Bush in the flesh.
There must be some kind of mistake, Barney. Just take a look at FOX News. Right now, as we speak.
...and I'm so happy to be, once again, back in the USSR. Heh. You don't know how lucky you are... They tell me I may have the honor of slicing the reindeer tonight... It's a great honor, heh heh.. uh, little joke, here. Uh... What do you get when you cross Prime... President Putin with former President Clinton? ...Any guesses?... Any guesses... Okay. You get Vlad the Inhaler... Heh heh... OK...
I'm tellin you, Andy, that's an imposter. The real President makes a lot funnier jokes than that. And I'm thinking that we have him locked up here in the hoosegow  I'm serious, Andy. We could be in BIG trouble.
All right, Barney, all right. Goddamit to hell, sometimes I'm sorry we ever left Mayberry for the big city. Damn me and my endless ambition! Let's give him have his one phone call and see if that leads us anywhere
...and so...
Karl, this is Jambi. Listen, you gotta help me out. I'm calling from the hoosegow - I'm stuck down here at Graceland with the Memphis Blues again...
Hey, Jambi... I'm real glad to hear from you. We could really use the President's body about now... On the other hand, jail really helps to build character. I'm thinking Nelson Mandela, Aleksandr Solzhenitsyn, Lil' Kim...
I'll play ball with you, Karl, I swear I will. No more trouble from this Genie, I promise. But... I've got to ask for one more thing. I need you to get rid of Laura Bush... She's trying to have me whacked.
Can't say as I blame her, Jambi. Still, I think I can take care of the situation, but you are going to owe me big time. Now just sit in your cell and hold tight, and we're going to take care of the situation.
Barney, it looks like somebody at the lab has been taking goofballs. This guy is no more George Bush than...
Secret Service! You terrorist hillbillies better not do so much as twitch. We're here to liberate the President.
Oh shit...
...slightly later...
Okay, pretty good Mister President. You're back up to forty-six seconds on the astral projection. Remote viewing is at about a D minus, but at least it's functioning. Why don't we try the telekinesis out? That was the first trick you learned, but you never really developed it very far...
Ah, Peewee, this is so frustrating... I need to get back to wish granting, but okay, I'll give it my best...
Mister President, you cut that out this minute!
Sorry to interrupt guys, but I need to talk to Ms Witherspoon for a minute... So, uh, Reese, who do you think would be a good actress to play Laura Bush, if, you know, we ever needed someone...
Hey! Hey! Hey hey hey hey!
Mmm... Good question... Suzanne Pleshette, maybe... No... I don't know... How about Kathleen Quinlan?
Hey Turd Blossom. Why the hell are you asking about an actress to play my old lady?
Not a big deal, boss. She's just moving out for a little bit while we get everything pieced back together for you. See, we found Jambi, and he has this crazy idea that she's trying to kill him. So in order to get him back to Washington, we said that we'd arrange for Laura to...
Where the hell did you send her, Rovedog?
Well gosh, sir, it was Guantanamo Bay, but it's the ladies camp, which is really quite nice...
You're sending Laura to GITMO? Mekamekameka Ah, Ah, Ahrooo, AHROOO, AHROOO, AHROOO...

=poof=


AHROOO...


Oh shit..
RUN AWAY!!!!
...and out East...

Report.
My most exarted potentate, I am preased to report that the President Bush is weakened nearry beyond our wirdest expectations. Even his repracement ranguishes behind bars.
Korean spies are the finest on the pranet, this no one can deny. Time now then to execute our evir pran.
We must arert speciar agent 'W' and terr him to proceed.
Woody, can you come to the phone for a minute? It's some guy who insists that you owe him a favor. He says his name is Kim...


to be continued...
 

 

2006, Mark Hoback