Previously on Jambi...
Put to the test, impersonator Steve Bridges does a truly dreadful job of impersonating the President, totally embarrassing himself and everybody else at the G-8 conference...

You look kind of tense, Angela. What's say I rub that stress away and we go get us some pig?
Thankfully, a repentant Jambi calls from the Graceland jail where he is being held for cocaine possession, and the secret service is dispatched to secure his release.

It would appear that you hillbillies have made a very serious mistake.
Jambi agrees to come back to the team, if the Administration will meet one simple demand.

I'll play ball with you, Karl. But... I've got to ask for one more thing. I need you to get rid of Laura Bush.
The President was less than pleased...

You're sending Laura to GITMO? Mekamekameka Ah, Ah, Ahrooo, AHROOO, AHROOO, AHROOO...
...and turned himself into a horrible monster.

Meanwhile, a phone rings in New York City.

I know I promised, but this is just so outrageous. I mean, a guy could get arrested for that sort of thing. Maybe I could... No? Oy vey, I'm a dead man...

Tonight's Episode: The Woodman Cometh

This is serious, Dick. Peewee never told us that the President could turn himself into a horrible monster.

What's the story, funny man? Did you think we didn't have a right to know? That creature reeked havoc in the Oval office.

I didn't know. I never saw Jambi do anything like that. It was kind of out of the blue
Hey! I was plenty pissed off. Turd Blossom went and had my old lady sent to GITMO.
I arranged the transfer, George, and in our War on Jambi it's for the ultimate good. I'm sure you want your body back just as soon as possible. And like Karl told you, the ladies auxiliary at GITMO is very nice.
I think it was all about the anger.
The anger, motherfucker? You sound like a fucking moron. If people could turn themselves into fucking monsters with their fucking anger, then I'd be fucking Godzilla.
No no no, Mister Cheney. The thing is, Jambi never got angry. Genies are pretty much amoral.
I must confess that I know surprisingly little about Genies, Peewee.
Yeah, me either.

Well, let me give you the Wikipedia nickel tour. Genies are an important part of the Muslim religion.

I should have guessed...

Muslims see Genies as creatures made from smokeless fire. That's what the Koran says. Muhammad, praise be unto him, was sent as a prophet to both mankind and to Genies. Usually they're invisible, but sometimes they deliberately come into contact with humans. That was the case with me and Jambi.

Why Peewee, why?
I believe it was his lust for Miss Yvonne. You see, in many ways Genies are kind of like humans that eat bones.
You mean I can eat? Somebody bring me some ribs.
Coming up, boss.
Genies also have the power to possess humans, as the President knows all too well. As well as having great strength, they have eternal life
That's all well and good, Peewee, but I don't think our buddy George here wants to live forever with the sort of legacy he's built for himself.
Assuming that you can train George to be powerful enough to repossess his body, is their anyway that we could terminate Jambi before he's able to retaliate?
Yes. Max Heindel tells us of the etheric body, which is an ovoid cloud extending about a foot and a half beyond the physical body. It is believed that you can kill a Genie if you hit him hard enough in the center of the nerve plexus of the etheric body with a piece of fruit.
I don't know why they ever cancelled your show...
Woody? What's wrong? You look as white as a ghost.
I am as white as a ghost, Soon Yi. You know I try and stay out of the sun. But I've got terrible news, just terrible. I've got to kidnap the president.
Why, Woody, why?
It's a long story, Soon Yi. It goes back to when you were just a little girl...
Woody... Why do you have nude Polaroids of my daughter?
I was getting ready to shoot Manhattan Murder Mystery, but I couldn't get financing. It seemed like the whole world had deserted me. Nobody would give me a chance. Nobody except for one man, that is...
I stirr berieve in you, Woodman. Prease accept this from me. Someday, and that day may never come, I may carr upon you to do a service for me. But untir that day - accept this token of my respect for you. Go forth and make Manhattan Murder Mystery with my bressing.
...not only that, but he let me shoot some of the interiors for Bullets Over Broadway at his place. So you see, Soon Yi, I'm duty bound to do this one small thing...
Oh Woody...
...back at the White House...

Jambi, I want you to meet Kathleen Quinlan. She's going to be playing the part of your wife.
Hubba hubba... I love this job!
The pleasure is all mine, I assure you. But Reese, why do you keep calling the President Jambi?
It's his code name, Kathy. Now please understand, even though this may be your greatest role ever, you can never speak of it. The security of the entire nation depends on you.
You have my sacred word. I only pray that the first lady is able to return from her secret mission unscathed.
We all hope the same thing, Kathy. We all hope the same thing.
Mmmph... mmmph...
...as night descends...

I was pretty scary, wasn't I Peewee? Boy, I sure would like to see a photograph of me... Did I scare you, Peewee? Did I? You sure looked scared. Not as scared as Turd Blossom, but pretty scared.
You were very scary, Mister President. Turning into a horrible monster is the best trick you've done yet. In spite of your setbacks, your power is growing swiftly.
Heck of a monster, heck of a monster. Come on Peewee, piss me off so I can do it again.
Sorry to interrupt, boss, but Woody Allen is here to see you. He says it's important.
...and out East...

My most exarted potentate, our agent has just passed through the White House gates.
Arr goes werr with our evir pran. We sharr ensrave the enchanted president and command him to grant us wishes beyond most mortars dreams!
First the South and next Japan...
...and then we take the Rakers.
The Rakers?
Yes, the Rakers. Kobe and Kwame wirr read North Korea to Orympic gord!

to be continued...

2006, Mark Hoback