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Previously on Jambi...
It was a hard week at Jambi and George, what with the president demonstrating his new found power to turn into a horrible monster and all...
I was pretty scary, wasn't I Peewee? Boy, I sure would like to see a photograph of me... Heck of a monster, heck of a monster. Come on Peewee, piss me off so I can do it again.
Jambi returned, and that's a good thing. He seemed pleased with his new wife, played by the lovely and talented Kathleen Quinlan, former star of Dr Quinn, Medicine Woman.

You must be thinking of Jane Seymore, the television performer. An understandable mistake, but when I get that question, I always say 'No thanks, I've seen enough.
But let's not beat around the Bush. I think that everybody knows by now that our main plot point this week revolves around the attempt by reluctant North Korean secret agent Woody Allen to kidnap the president for the evil Kim Jong il, who has some heavy wishes.

And then we take the Rakers. Kobe and Kwame wirr read North Korea to Orympic gord!

Tonight's Episode: No Exit

Here he is, boss, the Woodman himself, the one, the only Woody Allen! Can I stick around and listen to you guys?

Beat it, Turd Blossom.

Good to see you again, Mister President. And it's, uh...

Paul Reubens. Big fan, Mister Allen, glad to meet you.

Oh, uh, hi. Hi. Say, uh, Paul, I was wondering if I could have a few minutes alone with, uh, with the president.
I'll bet you're here to talk about the documentary that Reese was telling me about. You know, I don't know if it's such a good idea to tell the world about Jambi... We've really been trying to keep a lid on this thing.
Yeah, he's right, Woodman. I'm a different George Bush than the one who visited you before. That was a desperate George Bush, not the one you see before you here today. Peewee is training me to use my powers.
Peewee? I thought that I'd seen him somewhere before. So, uh, Peewee, do you think I could have a few minutes alone with the, uh, president?
He's really not interested, Mister Allen. Right now we have much more important things to do than make movies...
That's easy for you to say, Peewee. Look, if you'll just do this for me, I think I can find a part for you in my next film. There's a... hold on, I've got to get my phone.
Herro Agent Arren, have you captured the president yet?
Uh, hi. This, uh, this is really not a good time for me to talk... Yeah... I know I know... Look, I'm going to have to get back with you... yeah, okay, in just a few minutes.
Sorry. Like I was saying, Peewee, if I could...
Oh, hi! I heard someone in the hall say Woody Allen was in here and I just had to come and meet him.
Kathleen Quinlan?
No, although I have been told that I look like her. I'm Laura Lane Welch Bush, first lady of the United States of America.
Oh... Well, very nice to meet you, but I was just getting ready to have a private chat with your, uh, husband, and...
Hello Mister Allen, Tony Snow here. I wanted to come in and tell you what a big fan of your films I am. Especially the early, funny ones.
Uh, thank you... I wonder if you...
There he is. The funny man himself. Hey, tell us all a joke. What's that one you used to do about metaphysics?
Oh, uh... I was thrown out of college for cheating on the metaphysics exam; I looked into the soul of the boy sitting next to me.

No, that's not it...

Yes it is. That's the only metaphysics joke I've got. Now if you all...

Hey, it really is Woody Allen. Come on, Bono, let's go meet him..

Yes, Soon Yi, I'll be glad to pick up cottage cheese and Doritos on the way home... I just don't know if...
Hey, Mate, how does it feel to being making films in merry Old England rather than New York?
Uh...
Woody, what do you think about the Knicks chances this year?
I'm sorry, Mister Jong, I still can't talk to you. Things around here are going kind of nuts...
Woody, is that offer of a part still on? I mean, there's a whole lot of people here now...
I... Uh, I...
Can I get you something to drink, Woody?
Hey Woody, it's Hammer Time!
You know what I liked? Interiors. I laughed my ass off at that one...
Yeah. Yeah yeah yeah, God that was funny. And how about Crimes and Misdemeanors, when Martin Landau has his lover killed? That was fucking great!
But... those weren't funny films... God, I wish I could be alone with the president for ten minutes...

=poof=

Whoa. You sure know how to clear a room.
Yeah, it is pretty amazing, isn't it? That's only the second time I've ever done it, though... Somebody makes a wish, and my mind just does this kind of twitch - you know, kinda like Samantha in Bewitched.
That's... you can't do that again right away, can you?
Nah... From what Peewee tells me, it's a max of one wish a day. I haven't come anywhere close to that yet, although... I did turn into a horrible monster...
That's good, I mean, uh, that's very good about the once a day magic part. . But I, uh... I'd like to know a little more about the horrible monster thing.
I don't know... I don't know... Turd Blossom just got me really really mad and then KABLOOIE!
That's uh, hmm... because I have something... Uh, look, I'm going to try and not get you really really mad here... I'm, uh, I'm, uh...
Spit it out, Woodman, spit it out.
Let me just preface this by saying that I think you're a remarkable president, and such a macho one too, and, uh, don't get mad at me here, but the real reason I'm here today is to, uh, kidnap you...
Kidnap me? I don't think I like the sound of that...
It's, it's... look, you're not getting angry, are you? I made a promise... I said I would... it's kind of like The Godfather, where you promise to do a favor, and, uh... you don't really know what it's going to be...
I understand completely, Peewee. At the end of the day, all a man's got is his honor. I myself am a wordkeeper.
I'm really glad you feel that way, Mister President. Now I'm just going to put you in this bag and slip you through the front gate...
meanwhile...
...that's it, Jambi, the whole ball of wax. We pulled your worthless hide out of jail, got you a new wife, and so far the press hasn't gotten a whiff of it. When this is all over you can do whatever the hell you want, but for now, you're going to play ball or your ass is grass. From now on, my thoughts are your thought and my words are your words.
And if I refuse?
Accidents happen. Either way, I'll still be president. So what's it gonna be?
I guess you've given me an offer I can't refuse. But what about the real George Bush? He's learning how to use my powers.
Don't worry about him. As we're speaking, I'm having him transported to a secure location, far away from that meddlesome Peewee...
...at the White House Gate...

Hold it right there. Let's see some identification.
I... I...
Just kidding, Mister Allen. Your face is your ID. Say, I loved you in Deconstructing Harry.
Really? Not a lot of people saw that one.
Well, it's a keeper in my book. By the way, what's that you've got in the big black bag?
This? It's a, uh, Jambi Box containing the spiritual and mental essence of the president.
You're a truly funny man, Mister Allen. Have a nice day.


to be continued...
 

2006, Mark Hoback