That was the Woody Allen episode, probably his funniest work since the mid-seventies...
|Before I open up the gate, would you mind telling me what you have in that big black bag?|
|This bag? It's a, uh, Jambi Box containing the spiritual and mental essence of the president.|
Good news indeed for Kim Jong
il. But meanwhile, who's pulling Jambi's strings?
...that's it, Jambi, the whole ball of wax. We pulled your worthless hide out of jail, got you a new wife. When this is all over you can do whatever the hell you want, but for now, you're going to play ball or your ass is grass and I'm a human lawnmower.
Tonight's Episode: Without A Trace
|Reese! Reese! Come here quick! Somebody's absconded with the president!|
Are you sure? Maybe he's just teleporting around someplace.
|Not a chance, Reese. The Jambi box is missing as well. I'll just bet it was that Woody Allen. I didn't trust him from the minute I met him.|
What would Woody Allen do with the president?
|I shudder to think. We've got to find him before...|
|Well, look who we've got here... If it isn't my old nemesis Peewee Herman.|
|Uh... Hi, Jambi...|
|Hello, shithead. What ever happened to your buddy in the box? You know, now that he's gone, I'm thinking that I should just snap you in two like a matchstick.|
|That won't be necessary. You're not as tough as you think, Jambi. And besides, too many people already know your evil secret. Mister Rove and Doctor Rice and General Rumsfeld and that guy from Fox News and Bono and Mister Cheney and...|
|Funny you should bring them up, Herman. Dick, you and Don come on in here and tell these two bozos about the facts of life.|
|I am not a bozo.|
|Would you prefer the term bimbo?|
|Here's the way it is, you two. Although it might appear that way from the outside, politics is not a zero-sum game. It's not one-dimensional. If you recognize the need for bold thinking and bold action, the importance of the particular vehicle for that action recedes in significance.|
|What he said. Plus the president is blue and lives in a box.|
|A box where he has become increasingly unstable, I might add. The bigger picture is that...|
|The bigger picture is that Jambi will now do our bidding, and George Bush is out, just like you will be as soon as the secret service gets here.|
|What are you going to do with us?|
|Perhaps you've heard of Guantanamo Bay, the women's auxiliary. It's a multi-function resort. As a matter of fact, the first lady is vacationing there now, per Jambi's suggestion.|
does it have a Nordstrom's?
Are you ready to grant me wish?
Hell, not. I ain't going to grant you a dang wish, so you might as well quit asking, ya idjit.
|Grant me wish! Grant me wish!|
|You know, I'm about ready to teleport myself out of here for a couple of minutes, just to have some relief from looking at that ugly-ass mug of yours.|
|But I have you in captivity. I wirr subject you to unspeakaber torture.|
Captivity? You're talking to a man who's stuck in a box! Get outta here! You wanna torture me? If you hadn't noticed, I don't have a corporeal body, ya big ugly ding-dong.
|Perhaps you should make more use of your imagination, Mister Bond... I mean, George Bush.|
|I'm okay with the Bond thing.|
|There are many extremry effective ways to torture a man. One such way is to make him watch THE VIEW.|
|...and ladies, we are so blessed to have a very very very very very special guest with us today, Ms Katie Holmes. Also joining us will be first lady Laura Bush.|
|What the hell is this?|
|I don't know. I didn't check the ristings.|
|...if you don't mind me saying, the years have been very kind to you, Mrs. Bush. It's almost as if - no, it is as if - you had turned into, uh, what's her name... you know, she played Dr Quinn the Medicine Woman.|
|You mean Kathleen Quinlan. That's so sweet of you say, Barbara. But I must correct you that it was Jane Seymore who starred in Dr Quinn. Kathleen Quinlan is the star of many quality motion pictures, most recently 'The Hills Have Eyes', where she gave a totally remarkable performance that some critics describe as a tour de force.|
|Huh. Never heard of her.|
|You bastard! That's not my wife! What the hell have you done with Laura?|
|Raura? I haven't done... Uh... You see now that we have innumeraber ways to do our bidding. Now grant me wish.|
|Kiss my ass. You can keep my wife. I kind of like the new babe.|
Arrrr... You try my patience George Bush.
|Oh yeah? Well you can try my cock.|
|Enough! When I return, I wirr be armed with kryptonite. And Robin Wirriams, fresh from rehab.|
|Oh no... Not Robin Wirriams.|
©2006, Mark Hoback