This is Tony Snow sitting in for the regular announcer. What happened on the last Jambi, I believe that was your question. Allow me to summarize. With the president gone and Cheney in charge, Jambi wasted no time in getting rid of Reese and Peewee.
|Well, look who we've got here... If it isn't my old nemesis Peewee Herman, and my new nemesis, Reese Witherspoon.|
|Uh... Hi, Jambi... Long time no see... Heh heh...|
|Oh my. The two were swiftly dispatched to North Korea, where the president is being kept in an undisclosed location by Kim Jong il, one heckuva villain in anybody's book. Yet, the president thus far has refused to grant him a single wish.|
|Enough of your brithering nonsense, American Genie President George Bush! When I return, I wirr be armed with kryptonite. And Robin Wirriams, obnoxious funnyman.|
Tonight's Episode: Torture by Talk
Has the kryptonite sapped your strength yet, arrogant American president? Are you ready to finarry grant me wish?
|There ain't no such thing as kryptonite, fool, and if there was, I'm pretty damn sure it wouldn't work on Genies. I've got half a mind to turn you into a watermelon.|
A watermeron? You have such power? Bah, your power wirr prove useress in the presence of... Robin Wirriams!
|Whoa! Take a look at this, why don't you? It's George W Bush! I always wondered what the W stood for... Is it whatever? Willie? Willie Wonka? Hey George Bush, would you like to see my Willie Wonka? Heh heh that's just a joke, son, the jewels are for display purposes only. You know, you always meet the strangest folks in these clinics, like one time I had a room right beside Yul Brenner, you know Yul Brenner right, the bald dude in The Ten Suggestions, like, tonight, tonight, won't be just any night, we'll set our pants on fire tonight...|
|...so anyway, Yul had this grudge against Charlton Heston because he used to get all the parts that Yul was trying out for not that they were particularly great parts but man oh man you rake in the bucks if you're Moses, but Yul would refuse to wear any hair on his head which was probably, and I'm doing conjecture here... Wooo wooo, danger Will Robinson, comedian doing conjecture, evacuate your seats...|
|Will you just shut up?|
|Shut up, you're asking me to shut up. Not a chance, sport, I'm on a real roll, I'm jamming now, jammin jammin jammin jammin. But yeah yeah the shut up thing, rude Bush dude, but what do I expect, yeah, some men achieve greatness and some have it thrust upon them - oof, someone just thrusted me with greatness - and some just get it as a graduation gift. Bada-bing! Hey sometimes I wish my ma was still alive do you ever wish that your ma was alive?|
|My ma is still alive.|
|Oh yeah, I guess she just looks dead. Ba-doomp! yeah I'd be like look at me ma look at me I'm on top of the WOORRRRLLLDDD! THE PRESIDENT TOLD ME TO SHUT UP! CAUSE I KNOW AS SURE AS SHIT MY MA WOULD NEVER IMAGINE ME BEING SILENCED BY THE LEADER OF THE FREE WORLD! WHAT A TRIP MAN WHAT A TRIP HERE I AM SHARING A CELL WITH PINOCCHIO! WOO WOO WOO! HERE'S EDWARD G ROBINSON IMPERSONATING MARY HART INTERVIEWING ELIZABETH TAYLOR...|
So that's where it stands, Gentlemen. I think this works out about as well as we could hope for. Kim Jong il is keeping the peace in exchange for the presidential Genie, which leaves us free to pursue our interests in the Middle East. And if impeachment time rolls around next year, it will be Jambi who takes the fall. Make no mistake, he will play along. He's too frighten that I might let Laura out of GITMO, which I will, goddamit, if he makes one false move. And if he plays his cards right, I'll pardon him as soon as I'm officially president. Well, maybe not just as soon, but eventually. Maybe in my second term. Anybody got any questions?
|I do wish that when you addressed us you would refrain from calling all of us gentlemen. I'm a lady, in case you haven't noticed.|
|You want to handle that one, Don?|
|Certainly. Condi, I believe that when Mister Cheney uses the term gentlemen, he is in fact speaking directly to the people in the room whose opinions count, not to the window dressing. And if you 'wish' something, perhaps you might be better off taking that up with Jambi.|
|Ha ha ha ha.|
|Hee hee hee hee|
|What are you laughing about, fat boy? We could replace you with a Roto-Rooter.|
|Hoo hoo hoo. Good one, Dick. But I do have a question... Whatever happened to Peewee and that nice Reese Witherspoon?|
|Part of the package deal with Jong, Don. He's going to need those two if he ever expects to get any magic out of George W Bush.|
Speaking of which...
Where are we, Peewee? It's cold and damp and I can't see a thing.
Try not to be frightened, Reese. Here, take my hand.
|That is not your hand, Peewee.|
|...ah, and so we finary meet. The Genie trainer and the Secretary of Wishes.|
I recognize you. You're evil personified.
|Sirence! You wirr assist me in wringing wish out of president or erse you wirr spend the rest of your miseraber rives rocked in this watery basketbarr court.|
|Not to be disrespectful, Mister Jong, but I'm sure that if you put a little thought into it, you could come up with a somewhat better offer than that one.|
|Or I could come up with a more horriber fate.|
|Or you could come up with a better deal, like Peewee suggested.|
|Yeah, it would be terrible if word got out that Kim Jong il is a cheapskate.|
|I am not cheapskate!|
|Pardon the vulgarity, but money walks, bullshit talks.|
|I am not burrshiter! Okay, okay. I give you twenty-five thousand American dorrars.|
|Mister Jong, my current going rate is fifteen million dollars a picture.|
|But, but, that's more money than entire North Korea treasury!|
|Okay, okay. Finar offer. Fifty thousand or face unspeakaber torture.|
I don't know, Reese... Do you think the president will ever be able to grant another wish?
|I kind of doubt it, Peewee, seeing as how we won't be able to help him while we're being unspeakably tortured.|
|That's a shame.|
|Yes, it certainly is.|
|Arrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!!!! You have broken my spirit, American dogs. Fifteen mirrion dorrars it is.|
|And a masseuse.|
...and as we say goodnight...
...and so we all decide to make Richard Belzer think that his girlfriend was cheating on him which is pretty funny because she actually was but we didn't know about it until one night when whoops wo wo wo I'm getting ahead of myself. Anyway Belz is gigging at The Improv doing two a nights and it's not that great a payday because the Improv makes you do exclusives and Belz is doing Tuesdays and Thursdays when it's nothing but tourists, so we all go down there with a bowl of chow mein which has been I don't know it's got mold on it and...
|I'm not gonna make it...|
©2006, Mark Hoback