Previously on Jambi...
It seems to me that I've been relegated to second-hand status here at Jambi. Not that I mind these recaps, really, but it would be nice to at least get a cameo. Anyway, looking back, Jambi got a slight bump in the opinion polls after telling the nation a dirty Genie joke.
...so the guy tells the bartender 'that's where I screwed up. My final wish was for a chick with long legs and a tight pussy'.
More serious is the situation in North Korea, where Reese and Peewee are having only minimal success after two weeks of prepping the president in the science of wish granting.
Okay, Mister President, here we go again... I wish that I had a pepperoni pizza.
Kim Jong-il is less than impressed.
I am ress than impressed by your stupid pizza trick. You have 48 hours to produce.
And in what was probably the single most significant development, Christ appeared to Laura Bush.
...and that's pretty much the whole ball of wax, Laura. It must be quite a relief to know that awful man is not your husband, but is instead the abomination known as Jambi the Genie. Still, the GITMO part is a real bummer... I think I'll suspend you in time until somebody can get down here to help you. Well, adios. I'm off to see George.

Tonight's Episode: Fowl Play

...and peepuhllllll, people who like Cheyneeeee, are the stupidest people in the wurrrrllllldddd.
Turn that goddamn thing off. I hate that fucking bitch.
I can fully understand your animosity, Dick, but you've got to admit that she still has quite a set of pipes for an old broad.
I guess you're right, Don. Still, her constant taunting gets to me at times.
I suppose it does, old friend, I suppose it does. Still, it does seem that at this point we should be grasping for every small morsel of happiness that we can get. Christ you know it ain't easy, you know how hard it can be...
...the way things are going, they're going to crucify me. You know, Rummy, I know just how John Lennon felt.
Sure, Dick, sure. The man was trying to bring him down, just like the man will be doing with us once we're no longer the man.
Oh, man...
Fuck a duck.
Fuck a duck? What the hell sort of sorry-ass cussing is that, Don? Fuck a duck? Whahahahahahahahahaha...
Flog a dog!
Flog a... ah hoohoohoohoo hee ha haha uh hoohoohoo...
Screw a Jew!
Ahh hahahahahahahahaha... stop it, Don, you're killing me...

Peewee! Someone's coming!

Oh, no. It can't be Mister Jong. We still have twenty-four hours.
Hi fellas.
Hi, Jesus.
Pleased to meet you.
Well it's about time you showed up. I've been praying my ass off over here. No time for small talk. Let's go and get my body back right now.
Mmm, that's actually what I'm here to talk about. Were you aware, George, that your body is in quite a bit of danger at the moment?
My body? What do you mean?
To be quite blunt, if the Democrats take both houses next month, there is no telling what could happen to you. You're not just looking at impeachment, anymore. The box you're in now could seem like a glorious mansion by comparison.
That's... that's not very funny... Can't you help me out?
Sure thing, Bud, but not in the way that you're asking for. It is essential that Jambi remain in power for the moment, for he is the key to the Third Great Awakening.
The Second Coming?
Dude... I'm appearing right now, am I not? You do the math.
You mean that this is the Second Coming?
You'll have to excuse our friend, Jesus. He can be a little bit dense at times.
He means well.
Never fear, George, for you play an important role in the master plan. Now, the first thing we need to do is get you out of this basketball court.
Kim Jong il has us locked in here, and won't let us out until the president grants him a wish.
And I'm still trying to learn how. To my credit, I did manage to create a pizza yesterday.
It was just awful, though.
I have a plan. When Jong returns, pretend to grant him his wish, and I'll take care of it. I'll be hiding behind that urn over there.
What urn?


Damn, he's good.

Okay, President Jambi, we're here to discuss how you can regain the news cycle.

You know, to tell you the truth, I'm really not that much into it.
I don't think anybody here gives a fuck whether you're into it or not, Genie.
You'll do as you are told for as long as you're told to do it. Now, here's your Friday the Thirteenth speech. You're going to be announcing the discovery of an imminent attack by Iran on the eastern seaboard, and the commencement of preemptive air strikes aimed at...
No I'm not.
What do you mean you're not?
I mean I'm not going to do it. Persia is my old stomping grounds. Cyrus the Great and I would head out along the Silk Road and party nonstop for days on end.
You seem to forget that you're totally under our control, Genie.
Stick it up your ass, old man. I'm gonna go get toasted.
Fuck a duck.

to be continued...

2006, Mark Hoback