...and to suggest that the president somehow knew that Rep. Pelosi's underwear drawer was being rummaged through is the height of absurdity. But let me ask you a logical question - if you had nothing to hide, why would you hide it in your underwear drawer? Helen?
That was an insane question, Tony, but let's move beyond the underwear drawer for a moment. I want to know why, just days before the mid-term elections, the president has chosen to disappear.
First off, Helen, my underwear question was in no way insane. It's not at all uncommon for wanna-be terrorists to hide vital information in their underwear drawers. Secondly, I don't know what you mean about the president disappearing... He's out there every day, working to keep this country safe.
No he's not, Tony. That's clearly Steve Bridges, the Bush impersonator. My goodness, they don't even look that much alike.
Au contraire, Helen. They look quite a bit alike. Not everyone has eyes as sharp as yours. Satchmo?
I've got some sharp eyes too, Tony, and I'd be lying to you if I didn't say that I suspect that the part of the First Lady is being played by Kathleen Quinlan, star of TV's 'Doctor Quinn, The Medicine Woman'.
Correcto mondi, Satchmo. We've been trying to keep it under wraps, but I can confirm that Ms Quinlan has been a guest of the White House for the past couple of weeks, getting inspiration for her upcoming portrayal of Laura Bush in 'CSI: DC'. Bob?
Let me cut right to the chase, Tony. Seymour Hersh is reporting in the upcoming issue of the New Yorker that there was a White House coup which took place back in March, led by Dick Cheney, Don Rumsfeld, and Karl Rove. He contends that...

Oooh, very conspiratorial... I suppose that nobody bothered to inform the president of this coup.

Well, as Helen pointed out, we're pretty sure that Steve Bridges has been impersonating the president for the past couple of weeks...

I'd bet my soul on it.
Hersh speculates that Cheney arranged for a mind meld and body transfer between Bush and a Genie...
A Genie? Bwahahahahaha...
...with the hopes that the Genie would be easier to manipulate. And he says that the experiment has gone terribly wrong, with the fake Bush destroying any last vestiges of credibility and integrity that the Republican party had left. Is this an accurate portrayal of recent events?
Heavens no. Judy?
Two part question, Tony. First, why have Paul Reubens and Reese Witherspoon been spending so much time around the White House? And secondly, is it true that the president is now capable of performing magic?
Because Ms Witherspoon is as cute as a box of buttons. Now this Reubens fellow, I don't know anything about.
You might know him as Peewee Herman.
No comment. And as for the magic, lets watch the polls on November 7 and then you can tell me. Clark?
Tony, we've all been hearing reports that Jesus Christ has returned to Earth and is currently engaged in helping President Bush escape from North Korea, where he was secretly shipped. It's also rumored that he intends to help the president regain his body. Care to comment?
I can only tell you, Clark, that the Weekly World News may not be the most reliable place to get your news. I've got time for one more question. Slim?
I prishate yall callin on me, Mister Snow. I was kinda curious... Just what the heck did yall find in that underwear drawer?

to be continued...

2006, Mark Hoback