It's Not That You're Not Important to us...
 

Miss D. I am so sorry. Thereís something we need to discuss, right here, right now. Youíre not the proper person for this department, so I donít want you to have to go through all the hassle of getting comfortable, only to have the seat pulled out from underneath you. Fair enough? Letís see what else we haveÖ

Yes. Yes I do know who your daddy is. Your daddy is a congressman... Do you want a challenge? There are a number of sectors in the company that can provide you with a real challenge. For instance, our Caliper Retooling department. Our calipers sometimes get out of calibration and thereís all heck to pay in the front office. But the job is not without itís moments of glory. Think about it, and Iím sure youíll get my meaning.

A little too challenging, you say? Well, thatís understandable. So, lets take stock: you donít really have the temperament for the Acquisitions group, and caliper retooling seems to be a little intense for your tasteÖ How about the Mail Room? Thatís something you might like. No. M A I L. Itís not as important as it used to be in the old days, what with email taking over a lot of the communication space, but thereís still a lot of trade journals to be sorted through. The pay is not much, just 90K a year, but if you keep your nose clean, thereís a good possibility of moving up to a guardianship roleÖ yes, thatís where you carry the keys and let the postman in and out of the building. Youíd also be in charge of the UPS shipments. No, just incoming, not outgoingÖ The girl with outgoing UPS has a Masters in English Lit. You know her daddy? Senator daddy, not congressman daddy. Much better, daddy-wise.

I know! Tunnel Master! Thatís you to a T. T stands for tunnel and T stands for Timmy Thompson The Third, the first and greatest Tunnel Master Tyrone Products has ever produced.

Youíre not afraid of alligators, are you? I mean, youíre not afraid that one of them might sneak up behind you and bite you on the ass, are you? Because it really doesnít happen all that often. Mmm, I think weíve had two, maybe three ass bitings since Iíve worked here, no more than that. A good Tunnel Master keeps their eyes on the tunnelÖ it really shouldnít be much of a problem. Just look up once in a while.

No? You sure? Well, I donít know what else we can offer you. Youíre not aggressive enough for acquisitions, youíre intimidated by caliper retooling, you donít want mailroom unless you can have outgoing UPS, and you think alligators are yucky. Yes, I can see that your legs go up to there. Funny thing, so do mine. But thatís neither here nor there.

Weather person? ÖI hadnít thought about it, but people do get tired of looking out the window. Mmm, right, right you are. I think youíll be pleased to know that that position is going to result in a little pay bump. Yes,  I suppose you will need wardrobe expensesÖ To an extent...

© 2004, Mark Hoback