From the Wall Street Journal comes this shocking news - Former Attorney General Alberto Gonzales is writing a new book, but he doesn't have a publisher. How can this be? Has America gone loco? Doesn't everybody have a book deal? Whine for me, Alberto bay-bee:

"What is it that I did that is so fundamentally wrong, that deserves this kind of response to my service?"

[I am pretending that this part of the 'interview' relates directly to Al's lack of a book deal. Without context, that is entirely possible. Otherwise, I would be forced to answer Gonzales' query with a blank stare, which doesn't translate all that well.]

Okay, Alberto, let's just say that I'm a book publisher, and your agent (you do have an agent, don't you?) comes up to pitch me, and she says, "Hey, Mr Hoback, have I got something special for you. How much would you pay for a tell-all book by Alberto Gonzales?" I would light a smoke, look at your agent dismissively with strong eye contact, and I would say, "Oh yeah, that Bush bozo who wouldn't even remember he had a cock if he didn't get it caught in his zipper once in a while. Get out of my office."

The truth, Alberto, is that you are pretty much a blank slate, and the one interesting thing about you is that nobody really cares to fill in those blanks. You convinced us that you were indeed a vapid airhead, you really did, and as a result, you are about the least interesting person ever to be in the Bush orbit that we could hope to see a book from.

Gonzales in happier times.

Break out your handkerchiefs, people, here's a real sad piece of information. Alberto Gonzales doesn't have a job because "law firms have been skittish about hiring him". Right. Not that long ago, it was not uncommon for a firm to add a celebrity lawyer for novelty value. Add a little pizzazz, bring in a few clients through name recognition. But nowadays, things being tight, these guys actually have to work for a living. And who the hell would want to be represented by Alberto Gonzales?

Judicial political firings... warrantless eavesdropping... suspension of habeas corpus... I think, Alberto, that you've already helped prove the old axiom that life is not fare. You know, if you are indeed sincere, and you really do have a story to tell, there is not one thing on earth preventing you from starting a blog.

Can you whine for us, Alberto, one last time?

For some reason, I am portrayed as the one who is evil in formulating policies that people disagree with. I consider myself a casualty, one of the many casualties of the war on terror."

[blank stare]



2008, Mark Hoback