Capitalizing on the strong support for her imaginary gas tax holiday, Hillary Clinton has upped the ante by proposing a similar summer long lifting of the federal excise tax on alcohol.

"The price of alcohol has been steadily rising, creating a situation where many typical families face the unpleasant choice of having to decide whether to put fuel in their tank, or fire in their belly," Clinton said to an enthusiastic crowd at a Terre Haute rally. "What do you say to a single mother, who after putting in a twelve hour day of waitressing, cannot afford to buy a beer at her own place of employment? Sorry? I'm afraid that sorry just doesn't cut it. We need to provide some real relief."

Senator John McCain quickly jumped on the bandwagon, saying that "if Hillary can steal my gas tax holiday idea, then it's only fair for me to latch on to her alcohol tax holiday. And it makes good sense to me. What goes better with driving than drinking? Nothing, my friends, absolutely nothing. Let's give America a summer to remember."

Senator Barack Obama denounced both Clinton and McCain, calling the proposal nothing but a political stunt, and pandering of the worst kind.

"Yes, Americans are thirsty," Obama said, during a gathering of moonshiners on the outskirts of Asheville. "They're thirsty for the truth, not for some political gimmick that at best would save the average family 50 on a six-pack. We need real change, not chump change."

Clinton was swift in her response. She said that the difference between her and her opponents was clear. "Senator Obama is against giving involuntarily sober Americans any relief whatsoever, while Senator McCain is for it, but offers no plan on how to pay for it," stated Clinton. "If I am your president this summer, I'll pay for the alcohol tax vacation by imposing a windfall profits tax on the oil companies."

Clinton, however, noted that even Senator McCain's plan was superior to that of the elitist bastard.

"Fifty cents is real money for those among us who would like to see a twelve-pack transformed into a thirteen-pack - or even a fourteen-pack for those with proletarian tastes. Perhaps Senator Obama has never had to deal with the issue of buyer's bling when sharing libations with three less fortunate constituents."


2008, Mark Hoback