Senator John McCain and the RNC will tonight host a $25,000 dollars a plate closed-door fundraiser in Phoenix, an event which is expected to rake in over five million dollars for the elderly candidate.

The event, which was originally scheduled to take place at the Phoenix Conference Center, has been moved to what is evidently a very very large private residence, amidst rumors that ticket sales were not quite brisk enough.

"Nothing could be further from the truth," said McCain spokesman Joe Buck. "We were selling the bejesus out of the $1000 dollar tickets, but Senator McCain - bless his soul - was concerned with the thought of 8000 guests snacking on chips and soda while the lucky 500 sat down to one of the most lavish dinners ever served in the great state of Arizona. He thought it reeked of John Edward's 'two Americas' scenario, and decided that his less wealthy supporters should be spared the pain of seeing what they were missing."

No press will be allowed to attend the event, which promises to make the fundraiser very exceptional indeed. Aside from the menu of twice-cooked Pacific blowfish, gold-flecked rice pilaf, and Parker-house rolls, the event will feature top notch speakers and entertainment from the likes of Bruce Willis, Ted Nugent and Carrot Top. Also featured on the program is someone identified only as a 'Very Special Guest'.

"I'm not at liberty to divulge the name of our mystery speaker," said Buck, "but I guarantee that it is someone that everyone has heard of and greatly loves and admires. Oh yeah, and we're having President Bush there as well."


2008, Mark Hoback