Doug Calling, Manchester Express

Sad to say, but there's more bad news for Manchester's own Monica Goodling, the former Northeastern High homecoming queen who went on to make us all proud by graduating cum laude from Regent University, and then moving on to conquer the nation's capitol.

After performing opposition research for the Republican National Committee, Ms Goodling saw the fruits of her labor with a new job in the Justice Department, where she quickly moved up the ladder to become the White House liaison. Quite a coup for our thirty-three year old Monica!

Ms Goodling was always a good Christian church-going girl, and she took that quality along with her patriotism and zeal for George Bush to Washington, where she found herself in charge of all sorts of things, like keeping homos and Democrats out of the Justice Department, and helping to decide which US attorneys were not showing enough enthusiasm for the president's priorities.

"George Bush was elected president by the people, not by a bunch of know-it-all attorneys," says the still miffed Monica. "Why shouldn't they do exactly what he wants them to? This land will hardly even look like America after the lawyers and liberals get through with it."

Ms Goodling twists a lock of her hair angrily as she speaks. At least that's what I imagine her to be doing on the other end of the line. I know for sure that she isn't lighting up a smoke because Monica is a good girl who friends say has no bad habits.

The sad truth is that political correctness claimed yet another victim in Monica, who chose to resign in March of 2007 after being told by the liberal bullies on the House Judiciary Committee that she would have to testify against her friends and beloved president. While all of us here grieved over Monica's betrayal in the big city, we were delighted when she decided to come back to the happy town of Manchester.

With no lawyer jobs readily available in Manchester, Monica plunged headfirst into the first opportunity that presented itself - fry cook at the Merrimack River McDonalds. In the space of a few short months, she had worked her way up to night manager, and more recently became the store's General Manager.

Monica's latest problem came after the regional vice president in charge of operations, Janica Umbawa,  made a trip to the Merrimack River store, and left claiming that it was "the whitest Mickey D's this side of the Mississippi. Ain't nothing gets that white without being scrubbed."

Umbawa returned a week letter with a list of charges, and Ms Goodling was terminated from her position. McDonalds claims that during her tenure, Goodling used her authority to insure that nobody with previous fast food experience from other restaurants would be hired at the Merrimack River location.

"I would ask potential employees 'What is it about Ronald McDonald that makes you want to serve him'", explains Goodling. "If you're talking to someone who has previously worked at Hardies or Burger King, you're talking about someone who has already been molded in a certain way, and their opinions on how to effectively contribute to the McDonalds administration has effectively been compromised. Why is that so difficult to understand?"

Goodling was also accused of requiring applicants to answer questions about their views on religion, abortion, and homosexuality, as well as their political affiliation.

"I never once screened anyone out because they had no political affiliation," Goodling says angrily. "We're better off if none of these kids ever vote in the first place. As far as asking about their sexual preferences, do you want just anybody handling your meat? Heaven forbid. McDonalds is a family place and it needs to stand for good straight Christian family values. I think if Ronald were with us today and could see what was happening to his mission, he would weep."

Being a victim twice in such a short period of time would be enough to crush the spirit of most people, but not our Monica. Today she is already emerged in a new career as a breeder at Manchester Hills Puppy Farm, and her enthusiasm hasn't waned a bit.

"It may take some time," says Monica, "but within a couple of years, I expect to be able to say that we have the purest bred puppies in all of New Hampshire."


2008, Mark Hoback