House defeats psychological relief

A House bill to prevent excessive speculation on oil futures has fallen short of the two thirds majority needed for passage after Republicans who support excessive speculation on oil futures rallied to block it. Nobody on either side was able to explain what the heck the bill was supposed to do, or was even able to define what excessive speculation is, but House Dems were pretty sure that it would provide at least as much psychological relief to the American consumer as drilling in ANWR.

Minority leader John Boehner explained the real reason for the bill's defeat, saying "This is no substitute for a real bill on drilling. Just asking, but is this routine getting old quick or what? Even though most economists agree that renewed drilling would not have much effect on the big financial picture, the idea of new exploration is a winning idea to the great unwashed. They'll either never hear what I just said, or they'll think that it's propaganda from the MSM. See, the American people aren't so dumb - we've taught them a new acronym."

"Not so fast," not-yet-President Obama didn't say from Denver, where he wasn't in attendance for this year's Balloon Workers Conference.

"Representative Boehner is right. This routine is getting old, much as is their presidential candidate. I say, this issue isn't worth arguing about. You want to drill, you can drill. It's still a State's Right issue, so you'll have to get past their objections, but if someone has enough grease for all those palms, let 'em go for it."

"Now the one caveat that I would add here, is that the informed American public understands that any new oil will be sold on global markets by corporations which themselves are international in their make-up. Sort of like President Bush's daddy and his New World Order dreamed it would be."

"Seems like there's an easy solution here, one that should make everybody happy and have more than a psychological effect on the economy," Obama didn't continue. "Let the oil companies drill as much as they want off of any state that allows it, but require that the oil be sold only on the American market."

"Why that's worse than communism," sputtered Exxon CEO Rex Tillerson, his buzz quickly fading from his corporation's latest record profits. "Our profits are already dropping on Wall Street. They expected us to make 12.1 billion for the quarter, but because of the sputtering economy, we only managed to pull out a measly 11.68 billion dollar profit. I don't think that Senator Obama understands the economy."

"You're right about that, my friend," agreed John McCain. "Sounds like somebody could use a tax break. Obama is far too inexperienced, just like Britney Spears... Wait a minute, wait a minute, I know that metaphor doesn't work. He's far too inexperienced just like... like a rolling stone. First he was against the surge in Iraq, now he's against the surge in profits. Just what is he for, anyway?"

"Senator McCain made what would seem to be a perfectly valid assessment of Barack Obama today," reported the non-fictional Brit Hume. "If a presidential candidate intends to ride to victory on a platform that bashes American industry, the most charitable thing that can be said is that he exposes his naivety, just like Paris Hilton... Wait a minute, I know that metaphor doesn't work..."


2008, Mark Hoback