"You know, I was pretty tuckered out after speaking at the Republican convention on Wednesday. Heck of a speech I gave, if I do say so myself. I think I was responsible for really firing up old Rudy, and Mitt actually sounded like a man who believed in a little something. Just an illusion, I realize, but he sounded damn good on the stage. And then that little barracuda Sarah, well, even though we know that speech was totally scripted for her, she came across like those words were from her very heart. Maybe they were. I half believe that John may have picked a running mate to fit that speech other than vice versa. The girl really can read a teleprompter. I stayed awake for the whole thing."

"So I went back to my hotel that night full of confidence (and a wee bit of bourbon). And I rested up all day for the big show on Thursday night. Holy mother of God, what a disappointment. I should have known better, since the heavyweights were all done. Lindsey Graham and Tom Ridge, what a couple of mushmouths. No delivery, no stage presence, no drama. I seriously don't think that those two guys could even get a non-speaking gig as jurors on 'Law and Order'."

"The night should have started out strongly, what with the tribute to the victims of 911 video, but it most assuredly did not. I don't know who put the thing together, but there were no production values at all. I suspect the the RNC must have used a porn director, because the entire video was money shots, and you can't build up a decent semblance of drama with nothing but money shots, every fool in Hollywood knows that, except for maybe Michael Bay."

"Things just went downhill from there. Poor Lindsey. I know he isn't the world's greatest speaker, but how the heck is anyone supposed to do twenty minutes about 'the surge'. Yeah, yeah, you supported the surge, Lindsey, now get over your bad self. Even I would have had trouble making material like that come alive."

"So what do they follow that travesty up with? A Sarah Palin video. Now I thought she had her spotlight the day before, but I guess the RNC thinks that you can't get too much of a pretty girl, although if John Voigt is narrating, you sure as heck can. Did she really eat a mooseburger for the camera? It's hard to tell the difference between a hamburger and a mooseburger on video, and it's quite possible that I imagined the entire thing due to hunger caused by the incredible slowness of room service at this second rate joint."

 My chicken nachos were cold by the time they arrived, which put me into a rather fowl mood (little joke, there) to greet the arrival of Tom Ridge. Of course, listening to Tom Ridge trying to speak is enough to put me into a nasty mood any day of the week. Do you know how Rush always has a really lame guest host whenever he's on vacation so that he ends up looking good by comparison? I figured that's what John was doing with Ridge. I don't remember a damn thing he said."

"And then came the supreme insult. Another video, this one about John's military and POW experience. Excuse me, wasn't that my job? I made John McCain's stint as a POW come to life on Wednesday, leaving nary a dry eye left in the house, and I did it with acting, not with a bunch of fancy videotape. I defined that topic, no further extrapolation was needed. It was the finest dramatic reading of my life, even better than the moment in 'Curly Sue' where I tell the little girl that her daddy won't be coming home. I made the RNC video superfluous, and some idiot decides to water down the weight of my words with this piece of fluff? Livid is an inadequate word for the stinging sense of insult I felt, although it will have to do."

"I began drinking heavily at that point, and can't remember much of what John mumbled during his spotlight dance. Apparently he's now the candidate of change. 'Change is on the way', he said at one point, and I just shook my head and muttered 'Yes, John, it always is'. Oh yes, now he's a maverick again, maverick maverick maverick. Boilerplate gobbledygook. And then, adding insult to injury, he started to talk about being a POW. That was when my head exploded..."

 

2008, Mark Hoback