Hello Americans! I'm Robert M Duncan, current head of the Republican National Committee. You know, America is the land of all the people, black, white or brown, Jew, Christian or even Mormon, rich, wealthy or deluded. Right now, however, I would like to speak for a moment to the wealthy Americans only. The rest of you take five, smoke 'em if you got 'em, and I'll be back in just a few moments to show you our exciting new donor forms.
Ah, there we go. This is a much more manageable-sized group now that we've separated the wheat and the chaff, so to speak. As I was saying, I'm Mike Duncan from the RNC, and I'm here to offer you something pretty special - the keys to the kingdom.
I'm sure that by now, many of you have seen our new recruiting ad on the front page of the New York Times. You're probably saying to yourselves, 'Wow, Mike, that must have cost you a fortune'. Of course, since you already have a fortune, I doubt that very many of you are all that impressed. But I'll bet my next six words will catch your attention - it didn't cost me a thing. That's right, when you dwell in the corridors of power, it's amazing how many doors will automatically open up for you.
As the Times pointed out, we are currently looking for wealthy self-starters who would like a seat in the next Congress, and lack of experience need not be a factor. We are offering a number of hand-picked seats that are yours for the taking with only a minimal investment on your part. No platform? No problem! We will send you, free of charge, my brand new home learning CD 'No Platform? No Problem', and you can be up and running to win in as little as seven days!
Savvy businessmen that you are, you're probably wondering, 'Hey, Mike, how much is this going to cost me?' Well, the good news is that you can now buy a congressional seat for not much more that you currently spend on maintaining your pool. Some of our lower priced seats in Kentucky, Indiana, and Georgia can be yours for as little as $200,000 dollars. And for the more adventurous amongst you, a seat in California or New York can be yours for the bargain rate of three million dollars, with the RNC guarantee that you'll be able to recoup your investment in six months or less!
'Sound's great, Mike,' you say, 'but I've already got more money than I can shake a stick at, and my wallet is as strong as Sampson. Why do I need the hassle of being a congressman?' Good question, and one I can answer in three simple words - It's Big Fun!
Just look at the picture of me up above. Recognize the location? That's right, I'm at the Yellow Room in the White House, the one where they keep the presidential PlayStation. I'm watching Teena Marie bust a move on the Karaoke machine while Leslie Mann makes me a tequila sunrise. Afterwards, I did a couple of lines with Big & Rich and they gave me a ride up to House in their 'Super Stang' for a couple of votes, then off to Meza Luna for dinner and drinks. And the evening was still young!
Of course for those of you who are only interested in acquiring more money, there are literally millions of possibilities as well. The point is that only the wealthy are properly equipped for the opportunities and excitement that come with the Capitol Hill Experience. Whether you're in it for the power, the fun, or the fun and power, your Republican National Committee should be the first stop on your search for infamy. Call us today, toll free!
©2007, Mark Hoback