"Take a look at that, Boss. Newt Gingrich on FOX. And he's ripping me a new one. That son of a bitch. I've got half a mind to... I'm... I'm going to monitor his phones."

"Forget it, Gonzo, already done. And his computer, too. You know, old Newt spends a heckuva lotta time at that Home Depot site, but he never buys anything. Sometimes I wonder what he's lookin for."

"Why are you monitoring Gingrich, if I might be so bold as to ask."

"As the Attorney General, you may ask. In fact, it's practically your duty to ask."

"Okay, why are you monitoring Gingrich?"

"None of your goddamn business."

"Hee hee, hee hee... good one, Boss."

"Yeah, I liked it too. And that's why I like you, you got a good sense of humor. A lot of people don't appreciate my jokes."

"Well, that's something that could never be said about me, Boss. I think you're probably the funniest president ever."

"Yep, yep, I appreciate that Gonzo, cause I know it comes from your heart. And that's why I'm gonna tell you why I monitor Gingrich."

"Oh, okay, why?"

"Like I told you before, it's none of your goddamn business. Bwa haha haha ha, oh man, got you again, bwa ha ha hahaha. You should see the look on your face, heh heh heh... no, I'll tell you, I monitor Newt in case he decides to oppose me in '08."

"But... I thought we weren't going to have elections in '08."

"We're not, but that doesn't mean he won't try to oppose me. Some of these conservatives can be ever bit as bad as Democrats once you get em riled up. And you know what I always say - keep your enemies close."

"Isn't that 'keep your friends close, and your enemies closer'?"

"You're a smart man, Alberto, maybe a little bit too smart if you think that it's good form to correct the president. I'm thinkin that you might have too wide a streak of independence in you to be of much further use to me."

"But, Boss, I've never shown even the smallest smidgen of independence since I've worked for you!"

"It's somethin in your eyes, Gonzo, kind of like you're a tickin time bomb that could just go off and tell the truth in a blindin flash. I don't like that in an Attorney General."

"No! No! I'll wear sunglasses!"

"And your head... I don't know... You know what a casaba melon looks like?"

"Aye caramba, I don't know what I can do about the shape of my head, but I'll be glad to talk to my hairdresser."

"I think maybe you should talk to Tony Snow's hairdresser, Louie LaBufe. Not an order, just a suggestion."

"Yes sir, I will sir, right away, right away. Thank you so much sir. Do you happen to have his number, sir?"

"You're right, Gonzo, you don't have the smallest smidgen of independence. I like that in an Attorney General."

 

 

2007, Mark Hoback