Some critics feel that Hillary Clinton's campaign to connect with working class Pennsylvanian's may have gone too far after Scranton police were called in late last night to quell a disturbance at Eddie's, a blue collar tavern on the outskirts of town.

"It was like a Saturday night over there," said Superintendent David Elliot, "and we look askance at that sort of partying on a week night. People need to be able to get up and go to work in the morning and give their jobs one hundred percent. And as for those who don't have jobs, they don't need to be hanging out at Eddie's till all hours anyway."

The disturbance began shortly after Clinton arrived unaccompanied and began to buy beer and tequila shots for the neighborhood clientele.

"Customers understandably began to call their friends and telling them to come on down and have some free shots on Mrs. Clinton," said Elliot. "Before you know it, the place was packed, and people really were having shots on Mrs. Clinton, if you know what I mean. She was in a certain state of undress that generally is frowned upon in these parts, particularly on a week night. And then a couple Pagans walked in and all hell broke loose. A jar of pickled eggs got broken and before you knew what was happening, Hillary had one of those old boys in a leg lock right on top of Eddie's new pool table. We were going to cite her with lewd conduct, but she made a nice contribution to the Policeman's retirement fund, so when the manager decided he didn't want to press charges, we just told everybody to go home and sober up."

Hillary's campaign immediately issued a statement saying the accusation of lewd conduct was trumped up.

"Where's the citation?" said spokeswoman Natalie Newt. "I don't see a citation, do you? Hillary was blowing off a little steam after a hard day campaigning. She had her top on. She had her bottom on. It was a dry hump, people, and the last time I checked, a dry hump is still legal in America."

Clinton quickly addressed the incident at a stop in Harrisburg this morning.

"Although Barack Obama has not yet said anything about last night's friendly social gathering, I can just imagine that he and his advisers are sitting back and looking at me and the people of Scranton - and indeed, of all Pennsylvanians - with scorn and derision. It's a sign of just how elitist and out of touch he is that he doesn't understand the old maxim that girls just want to have fun. Guys too, for what that's worth, although that's something you wouldn't expect a fancy boy who doesn't even know what a Yuengling is to understand."

 

 

2008, Mark Hoback