"I've got more votes than anyone!"

So, as you can see, little fella, there's a lot of inherent hypocrisy at play today in the Democratic party. Back in the year 2000... I'm sure you probably don't keep all that current with Earth politics, but back in the year 2000 we had an election for what you might call king of the planet, and the Democrats - that's my party - they got the most votes, and so you might think that they would have gotten to be king of the planet, but no, they were weak, and when the other party - they're called the Jerk-offs - came up with some magical papers that said 'nuh-uh, Jerk-offs are king of the planet', the Democrats didn't do much to fight back. They whined, have no doubts about that, but as far as strategic recourse goes, they were pretty much pussies.

Ouch? You can say that again, prune face. Big time ouch and the country is still hurting from it. It'll be hurting for a long time, too, way after you go back to wherever the hell it is you come from. Why, just look at Al Gore. Some people call him the only president who was never president. Of course some people say the same thing about Gerald Ford, so I guess it's a wash. Still, just about everyone in my party says that if Al Gore had only fought, he would have won, since he had the most votes. So do you really think that they would have a problem with me saying that I win because I have the most votes? Me either, but now we're getting back to what I said at the beginning. There's a lot of hypocrisy in play here. But the fact is, I do have the most votes.

Here's the way it is, my interstellar cutie, there's a piece of land on this country called Florida that hangs down off the nation like a turgid male appendage and it's got about as many brains as one, too. I don't know why they even let the people there vote, but they do, and they voted for me. I don't recall having anything on my platform about tax breaks for dingleberries, but what the heck, that's 300,000 perfectly good votes.

And then there's Minnesota. What's that, puddin' head? Michigan. Right, right, I knew it was a M state. Anyway, in Michigan everybody who mattered voted for me. Yes it's true that the vote wasn't supposed to count and I was the only one with my name on the ballot, but there's an old Earth saying that goes 'It's better to be safe than to be sorry'. It's not my fault that nobody else decided to be safe. I guess they're sorry now.

What's that, turtle breath, it still doesn't add up? What about the caucuses? You know what, for an extraterrestrial, you're a lot smarter than these Earthbound pundits. Did you know that not a single one of these jokers has brought up the caucus question? Duh. Sure I know that each one of the caucus delegates represents thousands of actual voters but why would I even bring that up if the media thinks it's not worth mentioning? If someone does, I can just say 'Do you dare suggest to the struggling laborer in Youngstown who had to beg his foreman just to have half an hour to go to the polls that the vote of some yahoo in Iowa counts a thousand times more than his ballot?' Nooo! That's something the American people can understand. They pretty much think caucus states are weird to begin with.

'HC go home?' Why you little space bastard, I ought to leave you off the side of the road for INS agents to find. Oh calm down, pug-puss, I'm just kidding. I think the people of Indiana are going to just love you. 

 

2008, Mark Hoback