Republican presidential candidate Mike Huckabee reluctantly congratulated John McCain on his victory in South Carolina yesterday, but tempered his remarks by telling voters that he had lost because of "factors beyond my control".

Reciting the same tired shtick that he has used everywhere except for Iowa, the Arkansas told his supporters that he has never ever ever really lost a 'game'.

"Ladies and gentlemen, I want you to know we didn't lose tonight," Huckabee told the chanting hordes. "The game ended a little early for us. But I also want you to know this the path to the White House is not ending here tonight. We are resetting the clock. We are resetting all of the gauges. And we are sending my wife Janet off immediately for a complete makeover."

"Now I mean no disrespect towards my charming wife, but I must tell you that in Arkansas we moved Halloween to her birthday. I lost by just three points. That's okay. But you look at the polls and see that Lazy Boy Thompson got sixteen percent of the vote? Do the math. South Carolinians are justly known for their love of female pulchritude, something that Jeri Thompson has in spades. Cindy McCain? I wouldn't kick her out of bed. And don't even get me started on Ann Romney."

"It's human nature and it's political reality, so if what you're looking for is a hot first lady, go ahead and vote for one of my opponents. But Janet, God bless her, she's got strong character and a good soul. She's what we call an Arkansas beauty, which is a term we use for a woman who has most of her teeth."


2008, Mark Hoback