In Los Angeles, John McCain angrily lashed out at the Bush administration this afternoon, loudly demanding to know 'Where's my damn surge?'.

The outburst came after McCain had completed a major foreign policy address to the World Affairs Council, and was taking questions from the audience. One questioner, Vinnie Aseego from Verizon Co., asked about the recent escalation of violence in Iraq.

"What's this then, with the new fighting, Senator? Now we're not even doing Sunni verses Shiite anymore, we're back to Shiite versus Shiite. What's the progress in that?"

"Dammit man," replied McCain, "dammit all to Hell! First of all, it's not Shiite verses Shiite, it's al-Maliki's good Supreme Islamic Iraqi Council Shiites verses al-Sadr Mahdi evil Army Shiites. And second, where's my damn surge?"

Failing to detect the note of agitation in McCain's voice, Aseego continued with his query.

"I guess what confuses me is that I was under the impression that one of the major reasons Iraq has been relatively quiet for the past several months was the truce that al-Sadr committed his followers to. So now if Maliki's army is attacking al-Sadr's army and al-Sadr's army is ending their ceasefire, aren't we kind of..."

"Screwed?" McCain angrily shouted. "Is that what you were going to ask? Screwed? Well, without our surge we are. With the surge we had the numbers to sort all these Iraqis out, we had the numbers to make 'em sit up and pay attention. Last time I was in Iraq, I took a little stroll through a Baghdad market. Sure I had a few bodyguards, the same as any upper-class Iraqi does. But at least I walked through the damn market. My latest visit, there was no stroll for Johnny-Boy, and do you know why? Because they sent the goddamn surge back home, that's why!"

"Oh, these Bush idiots, I talk until I'm blue in the face trying to convince them to surge, and then when it seems they've finally come around with the troops and everything is going fine and then I turn my back for five minutes and whoops they pull all the troops back out and things go all to hell again. Did I look like I was kidding when I said a hundred years? Bring back my surge! I can just see now that once I'm elected, I'm going to have to wind this whole damn thing back to the beginning again. Thanks a lot, Mister President."

 

2008, Mark Hoback