Mitt Romney, currently campaigning in South Carolina, quickly sprang into defensive action after The Charleston Post and Courier ran a front page editorial entitled 'Brother Mitt Has Got Some 'Splainin' To Do'. The paper took Romney to task for allowing himself to be photographed wearing a number 28 NASCAR hat.

"I guess this is one Yankee that has allowed his true colors to shine through," the editorial began, "and they're Yankee colored colors, colors from the same slimy grease pit that Jeff Gordon crawled out of. Why would a man who wants to be president of the whole United States insult the good people of South Carolina by wearing a Number 28? Romney's actions are an insult to everyone in the Palmetto State."

"Jeff Gordon is the antithesis of NASCAR, a crybaby Yankee who married a Belgian supermodel and bedeviled the beloved Earnhardt family, not just the father and the son, but we're reasonably sure The Intimidator's holy ghost as well..."

Romney appeared this morning as a guest on WLRC's popular 'Bob and Billy Show' to explain what he called 'a simple misunderstanding between two great cultures, southerners and wealthy northern businessmen'.

"Anyone who says Mitt Romney does not love NASCAR will have to answer to me personally, or maybe to one of my aides, I don't know, depends on what else I've got on my schedule," said Romney in a somewhat passionate voice. "As for drivers, I care not a whit for Jeff Gordon. Me, I like the get up and go of Tony Stewart, and of course, who doesn't like Junior?"

"But let me do some 'splainin' to the Charleston Post and Courier right here and now. There is a subtle difference between the way wealthy northern businessmen and southerners enjoy the great sport of NASCAR. Southerners cheer on their favorite drivers towards victory, and God bless 'em for that. That's the same god as what you guys have, Bob and Billy, so let's not even go there. But when me and my NASCAR buddies get together on race day, we're cheering on the corporate sponsors, and I've been a DuPont man from day one. Larry will put up a block of Kellogg stock and Joe will throw some Anheuser-Bush options into the pot, and of course I'm there with my DuPont, and my wife makes snacks."

After Bob expressed his condolences for Romney's Sunday loss at Watkins Glen, the candidate said that it was 'cool beans' and one exciting race from start to finish. "Oh man, when Anheuser-Bush blew an engine, Larry pulled his out his options and doubled up on Fed Ex, and wham, we were primed. Of course, Kellogg never really got it going, but right up to the end it was Fed Ex and DuPont, DuPont and Fed Ex, and then, two laps left to go, DuPont hops a turn and Home Depot blew right past for the win. Put my heart through the ringer, that did."

 

 

2007, Mark Hoback