Alien: <we see the back of his head only> So! I see you two have finally met. Even though your times on Earth were so far apart, it is still a surprise that your paths had not somehow crossed before this day. You are probably wondering why I have called you both here… and out of retirement. Am I correct?  The answer is that we have a problem which was created by the two of you, perhaps not directly, and yet, you are still responsible for fixing it. Your followers have cross-pollinated and created something totally unacceptable. I do not care what means it takes - but you shall fix it. 

Ayn: Because a problem is yours, does not mean it is also mine. My time on Earth was my own. So is my retirement now. I am curious, though, how you could possibly associate your problem, whatever it is, with my followers… and most especially with Jesus’s. I thought I had made my position on religion, in general, and Christianity, in particular, perfectly clear. <rolls eyes> It’s for idiots and losers.

Jesus:  <ignoring her rudeness> Whatever it takes? Sorry, but I have a problem with that kind of language. Ends don’t justify Means. However, I, too, am curious about what kind of problem you could possibly have that you think I could help you with… and, frankly, I am very surprised that you could have connected both Ayn and me with your problem. All you have to do to know what I taught my followers is to read the red bits in the King James Version. To take care of the least of these, to turn the other cheek, and that the meek shall inherit, etc., etc. Last time I looked, these were not principles of Objectivism.

Alien: <now we see his face> As you wish. I will be short—it is Earth. The very planet itself. Everything was going according to our plan. With a small amount of judicious tinkering, we had managed to marry essential elements of both of your philosophies, incompatible though they may seem to you. Utilitarianism can be made manifest in a most gratifying manner when specific “truths” from each of you are distorted. On Earth, we had encouraged a culture of both greed and selflessness unrivalled anywhere else in the Universe. And it has served our purpose admirably.

But this defective leader of yours, a Connecticut Yankee with a Texas drawl, who has some kind of genius for stepping in fecal matter, yet still smelling like a needle flower, has managed to accelerate the process in an unacceptable speed-driven manner. Now we are in danger of his killing off our golden-ovum-producing goose.  And, if we are in trouble, then so are you both, since I will do whatever is necessary to make it your problem. It is for you to solve it.

A & J: (in unison) I still don’t understand… 

Alien:  Simply put, the Earth, assuming it survives the next four years without another World War, will not be self-sustaining much longer than that. The rape & pillage policies these barbarians have implemented affect not just your foolish leader’s own empire, Ms. Rand, but as Jesus must realize, the entire globe.  (And he dares to dream of Mars!) They are aiming for what you call ‘the tipping point’ on purpose! Can you imagine that? <Alien glares at Jesus> They really believe that you will return at an event they call ‘the Rapture’ —that one which they are trying to initiate—and ferry them back to Heaven with you. Do you still think there is not something out of order? Granted, we are no saints ourselves, but we did at least recognize it was in our own best interest to keep things going, and so we have also had some alternative movements working toward improving the environment. Unfortunately, these other fools have usurped all of the power, based on both of your teachings. <Alien now glares at Ayn> We have had a good thing going on Earth, seeding cults and teaching some humans how to abuse power, and others how to serve mankind, letting them think it would be in their own spiritual interests, not letting them know, until too late, our real purpose. But if Earth dies, then so will mankind, and then we will be without our most important natural resource.

A & J: What do you expect us to do about it?

Alien: Whatever it takes.

A: I cannot believe I am asking this, but what if we try and fail?

Alien: Then I will be forced to play the small roundball with you two. We will undo what we have already done in the little bit of time left to us, but that will mean revealing the Truth, by whatever means necessary, no matter what effect it has on your legacies. Naturally, we would prefer to maintain the status quo, if possible.

J: Surely you wouldn’t deprive humans of the hope they find in my religion?

Alien: If necessary, I would. So-- now you know the stakes.

A & J: Ai yaiii yaiiiii.... 

© 2005, Karen Murphy


Ayn & Jesus graphic courtesy M Hoback
 

Karen Murphy writes at Bread Crumbs

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